Anthony DiNozzo's Guide to being Annoying
by solongandthanksforallthefish
Summary: Tony most deffinetly holds the title for most annoying NCIS Agent, so If you have ever wanted to annoy your friends or co-workers,Anthony DiNozzo's Guide to being Annoying might just be able to help you.
1. Chapter 1

_Hello everyone,_

_First of all, the summary is terrible, I know, I am not know for my summaries but anyway, my friends have inspired me to write these snippets of the life Of Anthony Dinozzo though I must admit I myself have only done half of them. They may or may not be in chronological order but I hope you enjoy reading them and please review, but only if you feel like it._

_(Dear Random Friend, if you are reading this, Emily says Izzy will crack one day. __)_

_Thanks a heap, Emily_

The elevator doors opened and Ziva scowled, DiNozzo was standing inside grinning like an idiot and Ziva was definitely _not_ in the mood. Tony just stared at her, grinning and so Ziva narrowed her eyes, stepping inside.

"This is a new tie" Tony announced to her cheerfully, still smiling and staring. Ziva turned around to face him.

"Do you mind!" she asked him very seriously. She had had a bad day and couldn't be bothered with Tony's rubbish.

"Not at all" DiNozzo smiled back. Ziva groaned "Ding" Tony announced as the doors of the elevator doors opened once again. Ziva stuck her head out the doors and looked around, they weren't at her floor and even more there wasn't anyone waiting to get on. She looked at the buttons, they were all pressed. Gibbs was going to skin both of them alive.

The doors closed once again and Ziva faced the doors, trying to ignore Tony behind her, who was as far as she was aware, still grinning and smiling at her like the Idiot he was. She felt a slight tap on her shoulder and she whipped around to see tony, crossed arms, whistling. Pretending to be innocent.

"You're the only one in here Tony!" Ziva hissed.

"Really?" He gasped, looking around "well, well, well, that does seem to be the case" Tony continued, smiling, grinning. Ziva bit her lip.

"Ding" Tony announced cheerfully at the next floor.

"Shut up Tony!" Ziva told him sternly, they were still two floors from the squad room and she furiously flipped through the report she had to hand to Gibbs "I could kill you Fifty six ways in this elevator alone"

"Could, but wouldn't" DiNozzo nodded, still grinning, still staring.

Ziva took a deep breath. Cracking her knuckles slowly to try and knock some sense into the man behind her.

"Ding" Tony said again "Oh, wait. Ziva, you have a bee on your shoulder"

"I do not!" She retorted, frustrated

"Here, let me get it for you" Tony persisted, whacking her on the shoulder

"Tony!" Ziva snarled, turning around slowly to face him.

"Ding!"

Ziva turned back and hurried out the of the elevator, fuming

"Bye Ziva!" Tony called after her as the doors closed

The basics: In an elevator...

Smile and Grin continuously

Announce happily that you have a new Item of clothing on

Say ding at every floor

When there is only one other person in the elevator, Tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you

Swat flies that don't exist.

Another fun one to do is...

Bring a twister mat and ask people if they want to play.


	2. Chapter 2

Part two...

DiNozzo waved goodbye to Ziva. He was probably going to pay later, whether it was Ziva or Gibbs. He had on floor to prepare for his next victim, before McGee joined him.

"Morning McGeek" He said cheerfully

"Ugh, you obviously haven't checked in with Gibbs yet, he defiantly woke up on the wrong side of the bed." McGee told him glumly, Tony smiled

Tony went up to the doors, grunting and straining, pretending to try and yank them open.

"What the?..." McGee started

When the doors did open, Tony shyed away, firstly as part of the act and secondly because Abby was standing outside them.

"Hi boys" She said cheerfully, walking into the elevator

Tong grabbed her hand and shook it vigorously "Good Morning Abigail, please address me as Very, Very special agent DiNozzo. In case of an emergency, there is a main exit and another emergency exit above your head. In case of a cable severage, I suggest you take up the seated position with your back braced against the wall, put your head between your knees and kiss your butt goodbye" He said with a grin

"Did you take painkillers or something?" Abby asked him in all seriousness and she and McGee shared a look.

"Tony hasn't been up to see Gibbs in the squad room yet" McGee told her

"Oh!" she replied

"Actually, I think I'll go and see him now" Tony told them, pressing the button. He pretended to jump back in shock.

"I got zapped!" Tony complained, smiled and did it again and again.

The Doors opened and Tony saluted farewell to his fellow travellers and walked out into the squad room, feeling relaxed. But it was too quiet.

"DINOZZO!" Gibbs bellowed

The basics: In an elevator...

Grunt, strain and pretend to try and yank open the doors, look embarrassed when they just open.

Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral or another name.

Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.

Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

You could also...

Crack open your bag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?" 

MEOW occasionally.


	3. Chapter 3

"So where we headed boss?" DiNozzo asked Gibbs

"Old Naval base, they have a body for us" Gibbs replied.

"Are we there yet?"

"What do you think Tony?" Ziva asked, evidently annoyed.

"Well? Are we?"

"Shut up DiNozzo" Gibbs ordered. There was silence for a minute until...

Pop! Tony poped his lips and Ziva jumped. Ten seconds later he did it again, pop! Ziva turned and scowled.

Pop!

"Tony!" McGee hissed

"You know this reminds me of Shrek Two. The're travelling to Far Far Away and Theres the annoyed couple, That's you Ziva and McGee, Take a hint.

"And an ass DiNozzo, I wonder who that would be" Gibbs inturupted and tony fell silent.

Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap.

Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap.

Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap.

"Stop it tony!" Ziva snarled

"Fine." So Tony began to sing "9999 bottles of beer on the wall, 9999 bottles of beer you take one down, pass it around, 9998 bottles of beer on the wall..."

"DiNozzo" Gibbs warned

A minute passed before it started again.

"Are we there yet?"

"Zip it Tony" McGee said

"Zip it Tony" DiNozzo copied

"God! Do you ever shut up?" Ziva complained

"God! Do you ever shut up?" Tony copied again

"Shut up DiNozzo" Gibbs ordered

"Sure Boss"

...

"Are we there yet?"

"Now"

"Ok"

The basics: In an car...

Ask "Are we there yet?" continuously

Pop your lips

Tap something four times continuously

Sing 99 bottles of beer but change 99 to 9999

Repeat everything said

Another fun one to do is...

Sing the same line of a song over and over and over again

_I would like to thank Fictionnare, DS2010 and davb82 very much for reviewing this story._


	4. Chapter 4

The elevator doors opened and DiNozzo and McGee walked out, heading towards their desks. Tony stopped, looking around furiously.

"What now?" McGee asked frustrated

DiNozzo put his finger to his lips, pressing his back up against the wall. He pointed his fingers up into a gun, looked around and started to hum the mission impossible theme as he crept towards his desk.

"Tony!" in all his acting, he hadn't noticed Ziva standing in his way against the wall with her arms crossed.

"Hatway isay rongway Ivazay?"

"Sorry?" Ziva asked confused

"Othing, Hatsway upay?"

"Are you speaking Quatsch, because thats not a language I recognise."

"Ah Ivazay, Igpay Atinlay isay ay artformay."

"Pig Latin" McGee intervened you take away the first letter of a word; put it on the end and an 'ay'. Apart from words starting with a vowel, with them you..."

"And you wonder why I have trouble with you and your language" Ziva interrupted

"Over here" Gibbs commanded

"Osay ossbay, hatway avehay eway otgay?" Tony asked, receiving a wack over the head from Gibbs "Right boss"

"Alec Hooper, Marine, found dead yesterday in a car, no visible signs of struggle or gun wounds though a recently fired gun was found 50 feet back down the road. Reported missing three days ago from his home, 32, married, two kids and was working on a top secret Navy project" McGee told them "Sounds suspicious"

"I completely agree" DiNozzo added

"Cause of Death?" Gibbs asked

"Well as I said no obvious cause of death, no bullet wounds, defensive wounds or really wounds of any kind. It could just be natural causes but we were called in because of the nature of his work, I mean, I stand too corrected, Ducky might find something..."

"McGee!" Gibbs barked, raising his eyebrows "The case"

"Uh, that was kind of it Boss"

"Well I completely agree" Tony told them. Gibbs shot him a puzzled look, shaking his head. So as the rest of the team continued to talk about the case, Tony tried to amuse himself. It was only a minute until Gibbs felt the need to ask:

"What the hell do you think you're doing DiNozzo?"

"Trying to lick my elbow boss, it's not so easy"

"Cut it out Tony" Ziva frowned, whacking him over the head.

"Oi! Only Gibbs is allowed to do that to me, but I completely agree, I really should..."

"Shut up DiNozzo" Gibbs told Tony, walking away and also whacking him over the head. "Happy?"

"Very Boss" Tony replied, rubbing his head.

The basics: In the office...

Become a superspy.

Speak in pig Latin

Say "I completely agree" after everything said

Try to lick your elbow

Another fun one to do is...

Become a mime

_Thanks a heap for reading guys and thanks to __Darlin24 for reviewing_


	5. Chapter 5

_I am sorry about the ways to be annoying in this one, or lack thereof, there is only three I think. This one was written while I was sleeping over at the zoo. Thanks a heap to__ 1363797, Darlin24 and cheether for reviewing. Thanks for reading, emily_

Ducky and Palmer looked over the body, again and again. They were puzzled, intrigued.

"Any minute now, Jethro will come storming through those doors, demanding to know what has happened. I'm quite surprised he hasn't... oh, spoke to soon."

At that moment, Gibbs came charging out of the elevator and into autopsy, trailed by McGee, Ziva and Tony.

"I hope you have some results for me Duck"

"Ah yes, you see, that's why I got Palmer to call you down. The poor man died of Toxic Shock. I've sent his blood up to Abby just to check, we'll get her Toxicology report very soon. Toxic shock is caused by a bacterium that causes and infection on or in the body, which releases poison. But that's all I have."

"Haven't you got anything else for me Duck?" Gibbs asked impatiently.

"Well it is definitely Mr Hooper, and Abby may soon be able to tell exactly how he died, but I can tell you when, yesterday, around 2-5 pm. The poor man was found very soon after his demise."

Tony stepped forward and put his hand on Gibbs shoulder, who shook it off "DiNozzo says that Gibbs will be happy to see Abby who is about to..."

"Hey Gibbs!" Abby's cheerful voice called, cutting Tony off "Hey Ducky, Palmer, Ziva, Tony and McGee!" she smiled and then went up to Ducky and whispered something in his ear.

"Yes, I thought it would be something like that..." Ducky sighed

"Thought?" Abby asked

"DiNozzo says yes, that is what he did say"

"Thanks Tony," Abby complained "Well?" She asked Ducky

"Well, considering the fact that Mr Palmer I have combed every inch of the poor man's body, I have double checked and triple checked Abigail, I don't think there is one."

Ziva and Gibbs were about to ask the same question, but McGee got in first.

"What are you talking about?"

"DiNozzo says that they were probably about to tell us McGoo" Tony jibed smiling.

"That's enough DiNozzo. Ducky?"

"Ammonium Hydroxide. Mr Hooper here was killed with an injection of Ammonium Hydroxide. Probably with a Hypodermic needle. But I can't seem to find a puncture mark."

"Well that's no good Doctor Mallard. The Apocalypse is coming!"

"The Apocalypse aye?" Ducky mused "Why of course. That reminds me of a case I had a couple of years back, I don't know why I didn't check..." Ducky said quickly, going up to the dead man's eye and opening it wide "Yes you see a puncture mark. Mr Hooper was indeed injected with Ammonium Hydroxide. But now the question is by whom."

"That's my job to find out Duck" Gibbs told him

"Well done Doctor Mallard." Tony said, cracking out his best impression "You may have cracked the case! The Apocalypse is coming!"

"Speaking of which, you coming DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked him, halfway out the door with McGee and Ziva loyally in tow. Tony was poised to follow but Abby held him back.

"What's with the... funny business?" She asked him

"Reliving childhood memories, having a little bit of fun. Does wanting to be annoying need to have a reason?"

"Being Annoying?" Abby asked smiling widely

"Yep" Tony smiled back "I'm trying to find out how annoying I can be without meeting serious bodily harm from Ziva."

"Tony! You are such a child!" Abby exclaimed. "Poor Ziva... still, what fun!"

Tony smiled, waved goodbye and started to skip out the door. Not skip as in with a rope, like a little girl.

"Tony" Ducky stopped him "Not in here please"

"Sure Duck. The Apocalypse is coming!" Tony replied, walking until he was out the door and then skipping towards the elevator.

Abby laughed, and followed suit.

The basics: In Autopsy (or if you don't think you'll be in one soon, anywhere else)...

Speak in 3rd person

Add "The Apocalypse is coming!" to the end of your sentences

Skip

Another fun one to do is...

Stage impromptu sword fights


	6. Chapter 6

_Hello,_

_I would like to apologise for the Morse code at the end, McGee does pretty much tell you what it says so you don't have to read all the beeeeps and beeps. It would have been easier just to have Tony say dot and dash but I didn't think of that. I hope you enjoy this chapter, this case is coming to an end, it will be solved by the next chapter but there will be another case after it. Thanks to __WildBerrySmoothii for reviewing._

_Thanks a heap_

_Emily_

"So McGoo, Do you think Gibbs is right? Always suspect the spouse?"

"Firstly, it's Mc GEE and secondly, Gibbs is always right"

"Probie, please. How many times has that man been divorced? Gibbs is _almost_ always right." Tony told him, going up to the door, "Mrs Hooper! NCIS. We need to ask you some more questions!"

Silence.

"Mrs Hooper!" McGee called

More silence. DiNozzo smiled gleefully "Is it trespassing or Breaking and entering if we go and have a look without a warrant?"

"I'll go see if the back doors open" McGee whispered, drawing his gun and creeping round the back. Tony drew his gun also and tried to follow McGee as close to him as possible, ghosting him. "Would you stop that?" McGee hissed "It's open"

They peered inside

"Mrs Hooper?"

"Mrs Hooper?" they called

McGee turned to face Tony, who had his finger inches away from McGee's face. He batted it away but Tony put in back so McGee tried to ignore it. "You go left, I'll take right"

They hurried in, guns raised on full alert, but there was nothing to see.

"Clear." DiNozzo announced "What do you think McNerd? She felt guilty and ran or was about to crack and met with foul play?"

"I think Mrs Hooper has gone shopping" McGee suggested

"Why would she have done that probie?" Tony asked

"It says so on the fridge, there's a note to her daughter. Gone shopping will be back at 12"

"I knew that" tony mumbled "You have something on you face" He said, putting his finger inches from McGee's face again and leaving it there. "Right there"

"Are we staying or coming back later?" McGee asked walking back out the door towards the car.

"Beep, beep, beep, beep. Beep, beep" Tony started "Beeeep, beeeep. Beeeep, beep, beeeep, beep. Beeeep, beeeep, beep. Beeeep, beeeep, beeeep. Beeeep, beeeep, beeeep. Beeeep, beep, beep, beep."

"Oh come on Tony!" McGee whined, "Morse code! I am going to pretend I don't understand. You're such a child. Hang on, you know Morse code?"

"Beep, beep, beep, beep. Beeeep, beeeep, beeeep. Beep, beeeep, beeeep. Beep, beep, beep." Tony stoped for a few seconds and started again "Beeeep. Beep, beep, beep, beep. Beep" another pause "Beeeep, beep, beep, beep. Beeeep, beeeep, beeeep. Beeeep, beeeep, beeeep. Beeeep, beep, beeeep. Beep, beep, beeeep Beeeep, beep, beep. "

"My book is going very well thanks Tony, please stop it and get of my nerves." McGee complained as Tony started to ghost him again, at least they were nearly at the car.

"Do you hear that, never mind, it's gone" Tony asked "Beep, beep, beep. Beeeep, beeeep, beeeep." A pause "Beep, beeeep, beeeep. Beep, beep, beep, beep. Beeeep, beeeep, beeeep." Tony stopped again "Beeeep, beep, beep. Beep, beep. Beeeep, beep, beep." His beeping broke off one more time "Beep, beep. Beeeep. , beep, beeeep Beeeep, beep, beep."

"Who killed the marine? I don't know, but would you mind not talking in Morse anymore, it's... really annoying."

"Do you hear that, never mind, it's gone" Tony smiled, putting his finger back to inches from McGee's face.

"Beep, beep, beep, beep. Beep, beep"

The basics: at a suspect's house (or anywhere else you find yourself)

Call people annoying nicknames

Ghost (If you need a demonstration of ghosting Hamish Blake and Andy Lee on You tube are the best)

Hold your finger inches from the other persons face and keep it there.

Speak in Morse code

Say "Do you hear that, never mind, Its gone" incessantly

Another fun one to do is...

Walk up to strangers on the footpath and say "Hi! I haven't seen you in ages!..."


	7. Chapter 7

_Sorry for the wait, yearly exam's have started. But the good news is that next week is holidays so I will have plenty of time to update, and maybe do a little bit of study. Thank you __MarriiaaSunshine and TomBoyGal __for reviewing._

_Thanks a heap for reading_

_Emily_

The case was closed, the criminal caught. No one ever suspected the boss. Tony was giving Ziva a lift home, which was not her first preference but she had no choice. But before He could drop her off, tony decided he needed some groceries.

"Oh Come on! It's not that excruciating" Tony told Ziva

"With you, it is" She replied bluntly

"Anyway, as I was saying, juice and water bottles _are_ taking over the world! They're completely unnecessary but we buy them anyway, and then we just chuck them out. They're taking over the..."

"Tony" Ziva cut him off "I've heard enough!"

"You annoyed with me yet?" he asked but Ziva didn't reply "Hey, I'm just trying to have some fun, you could always join me, I'm sure you had some practice when you were a kid"

Ziva laughed, "You have no idea what I did as a kid, and no, I would not like to join you, I value my job."

"Who says I don't!" tony asked as an announcement came over the PA system in the shop "No! Not again!" He yelled "The Voices! The Voices!" he cried. Ziva stared at him and walked away as Tony fell to his knees, still crying "The Voices! The Voices!"

Tony got up quickly after the announcement ended and chased after her. He tugged on Ziva's shirt but she didn't turn around. "Ziva, Ziva! Oh come on, live a little, let go, relax, have some fun."

"You are not fun, you are embarrassing."

"So that's what you're worried about!" Tony questioned "You know" He said raising his voice so everyone around could hear "Pi, you know what pi is right, 3.1415926535...ah 89793238, 462643 and 38 um... Anyway, you want to hear it in binary?"

"Tony!" Ziva hissed, pulling him away. "Why are you so embarrassing? Why do you have to be such Eagle round my neck?"

"It's an Albatross, an albatross around your neck" DiNozzo commented

"Fine then Albatross" Ziva said, softening up.

"I know you are but what am I?" Tony teased

"An Idiot" Ziva replied jokingly

"I know you are but what am I?" He said again and Ziva rolled her eyes

"Please just go and get whatever you were going to buy so I can get home" She complained

"I don't actually need to buy anything" Tony told her grinning widely. Ziva hissed and stalked of out of the store, shaking her head "You annoyed yet?"

The basics: At the grocery store

Explain how Juice is taking over the world

When an announcement comes over the PA system, fall to your knees and cry "The voices! The voices!"

Say pi to as many decimals as you can remember and ask if the person then wants to hear it in binary form.

Say "I know you are but what am I?"

Another fun one to do is...

Poke, poke, poke, poke ,poke, poke, poke...


	8. Chapter 8

Sorry for the wait, the next one after this will be up in around 3 days, sorry again. Thanks again to MarriiaaSunshine for reviewing, and thank a heap to everyone of you reading.

emily

The elevator opened and Tony and Ziva walked out bickering as usual. When Ziva got to her desk, she sat down but Tony stood looming over her desk, not returning to his own, and ignoring McGee who was typing furiously at his.

Ziva's phone buzzed and Tony reached quickly to grab it. But as quick as a flash, Ziva grabbed his arm before he could get the phone and twisted it.

"Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow!" Tony yelped as Ziva answered her phone and started to talk in Arabic. She let go of his arm and he slunk back to his desk.

"How are you going today Penny?" Tony asked his pen, smiling and pointing at it to make sure that McGee and Ziva saw, they both scowled and went back to what they were doing.

"Gear up" Gibbs called, walking in, grabbing his badge and his gun and walking out.

"Where are we going?"

"Children's play park" Gibbs answered

"You'll fit right in Tony" Ziva smiled

When they got there, they unpacked and went straight to the body.

"Stabbed, easy" Ziva said, taking photos of the body. The man was splayed across a children's slide, his chest covered in blood.

"Hey! Tony exclaimed "Let's have a go on the swings" He joked, putting his own camera around his neck and taking pictures of the scene.

"Over here DiNozzo"

"Seriously Tony, You never grew up did you?" McGee added

"That's what you think"

"Mathew Ludington" Ziva said, holding up and ID card.

"That's what you think" Tony said again, staring at Ziva who smiled and stared back, not blinking. Tony tried to keep his eyes on hers but he couldn't, Ziva was just too good.

"Ziva, DiNozzo." Gibbs called

"Search the neighbouring streets, trees and Bins for evidence..." Ziva said for him

"...and see if you can find the murder weapon" DiNozzo finished

"McGee?"

"Look him up on the data base, see what I can get on him" McGee said walking off.

"Ducky?" DiNozzo turned around; he hadn't noticed that they had arrived.

"Yes, TOD is around 10 to 12 hours ago, Palmer, get the Gurney please, I'm done here." Ducky announced.

"Come on!" Ziva called, as she had already started towards the nearest bin. Tony let out a sigh and followed, but by the time he reached the bin, Ziva was halfway to the next one.

"Is this annoying?" Tony asked her, tilting his head to the side

"Is what annoying Tony?" Ziva laughed

"This, Is this annoying, is this annoying?"

"Your repetition, your crooked head or you in general?

"Is this annoying, is this annoying?" Tony asked again, tipping his head to the other side. "Well is this annoying, if not, what is it?"

"Beautiful!" Ziva exclaimed

"Why thank you Miss David" Tony smiled

"Not you Tony, look at this knife, it's a true work of art, isn't it beautiful"

"Maybe," Tony said "So is this annoying?"

"Not really"

"Oh."

The basics: At the Crime scene

Talk to your pen

Say "That's what you think"

Ask "Is this annoying?" constantly

Tilt your head when speaking to someone

Another fun one to do is...

Say random unrelated words.


	9. Chapter 9

_An oldie but a goody, the elevator is back __ this must be the most I've put in one story. If anyone has any suggestions for other ways to be annoying, I am running out fast. I think I will have to start a prank war between Tony and Ziva like in stakeout. Thanks a heap for reading._

_Emily_

The Doors of the elevator opened and McGee and Ziva walked in, both sighing heavily when Tony ran in through the closing doors.

"Hey, sorry, just waiting for a friend" he said, holding the doors open.

"Friend!" Ziva scoffed, But Tony just stood there, keeping the doors open, after a few minutes and a few complaints from his co-workers, he finally let them close.

"Hi Brett, how's your day been?" Tony asked

"Sorry?" McGee asked confused but Tony changed the subject

"Where are you two headed?"

"Evidence Garage" Ziva replied flatly

"You want evidence?" Tony asked "DNA!" He exclaimed, reaching out and plucking a hair from McGee's head

"Ow!" He yelped. Suddenly, Dinozzo's eyes opened wide and his jaw dropped

"You're one of them!" He exclaimed, backing away from McGee into the corner.

"What is wrong with you Tony?" Ziva complained "Have you been chewing on lead paint or what?"

"Just having some fun" DiNozzo smiled, back to normal.

"I was talking to our Marines sister. They were really close, she thinks it was his Boss, that he never appreciated Matthew and that His boss was always putting him down." McGee told them

"His friend Aaron Wright said that as well" Ziva added "But he was hiding something, he was to careful, I'm sure of it"

"Wait, shh" Tony hissed, producing a stethoscope from his pocket

"Why..."

Tony put it against the wall of the elevator and held his other hand to his co-workers trying to signal them to be quiet.

"I hear with my little ear..."

"Tony!"

"...Something beginning with..."

"Tony!" McGee hissed again

"M"

"Tony!"

"Yes! Hello, that's my name, don't wear it out"

"Do you _ever _put your foot in line?" Ziva exclaimed in an exasperated tone\

"Toe in line, and doing what you're supposed to is never any fun"

"When will you be leaving us?" McGee asked

"I don't know..." Tony replied as the elevator doors opened "Here's as good as anything I suppose, Hello agent Lee, where are you going to?"

"I have to hand my report to the Director" she answered timidly

"Let me get that for you then, she's talking to Gibbs in her office" Tony offered, pressing all the buttons and walking away "Have fun"

The basics: In an elevator

Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend, after a few minutes, let them close and say "Hi Fred, how's your day been?"

Pluck someone's hair out and yell "DNA!"

Say "Your one of them!" and back away slowly

Listen to the walls of the elevator with a stethoscope

Say "That's My name, don't wear it out"

Press all the buttons in the lift as you leave

Another fun one to do is...

Start a cult.


	10. Chapter 10

_Hello, thanks for your suggestions, this chapter is set in Abbys lab. Thanks again for readingand thanks to __VeryVerySpecialAgentMarriiaa and Evanjalin64_

_Emily_

"My life closed twice before its close;  
it yet remains to see  
If Immortality unveil  
a third event to me,

so huge, so hopeless to conceive,  
as these that twice befell.  
Parting is all we know of heaven,  
and all we need of hell."

"Touching" Abby smiled, "But completely unnecessary"

"You don't like my poetry!" Tony exclaimed horrified

"No, no, I love Emily Dickinson

Because I could not stop for Death,

He kindly stopped for me..."

"Was it annoying?" Tony quizzed

Abby turned away and started to type on her computer, "Maybe, It would annoy Ziva"

Tony laughed, "As soon as she goes out of the room, I am going to sticky tape all her paperwork to her desk and replace all her files with blank ones"

"Seriously? Tony..." but he ignored her and went to play with the automatic door. Stepping forward and back, forward and back, open, close, open, close.

"Excuse me Tony" Someone said from behind him, he turned around, grabbing a broom that was leaning against a desk

"None Shall Pass!"

"Yes Agent DiNozzo?" The Director said, raising her eyebrows and looking at Gibbs behind her and then back to Tony.

"Sorry" He mumbled, stepping aside.

"You got anything Abbs?

The Knife is absolutely gorgeous, a real work of art. But even more interesting is that I ran some powder that I found in the knife's handle, Cocaine. Then I ran some that was in our Marines pockets, Cocaine. But then I found some on his shoes, in his hair and I found some powder on his hands..."

"Abby!" Gibbs called

"The stuff on his hands was just talcum powder, but that doesn't matter. He had drugs everywhere. He was almost too careless, it's weird."

"Have you got a print?" Jenny asked politely

"Kind of, I'm running it now, if we get a match, case closed. Hopefully, right."

"If we find the killer, it doesn't explain the drugs, Ludington was a model marine." Gibbs said walking out

"You know, if you had said Cocaine instead of drugs, it would have rhymed. Explain, cocaine" Abby frowned.

Gibbs walked back in and pulled the Director towards the elevator. "When you get a Match..." he started

"You'll be the first to know" Abby answered.

"En Garde!" Tony yelled as soon as they were gone, throwing Abby his broom and picking up another that was resting against the wall, starting an impromptu sword fight between them. Before long, Abby knocked Tony's broom out of his hand.

"Hey! No fair! Anyway, I actually came down here for a reason. I wanted to ask you about the Stegiston on my computer, McNerd told me you were the one to ask. My GLCC is really slow and the Sleetoclofobis isn't responding." Tony sighed, picking the broom back up off the floor.

"Right... How much of that did you make up?" Abby laughed

"See ya!" Tony laughed back, walking briskly out "Oh, sorry, here's your broom back"

The basics: In Abby's lab

Recite poetry

Play with Automatic doors

Stand in a door way with a broom and say "None Shall Pass!"

Start impromptu sword fights

Make up random jargon words and see if people play along so as not to appear ignorant

Another fun one to do is...

Atempt to decode the Windings font


	11. Chapter 11

_Sorry about the wait, I just found out that I am going to be on TV and have a couple of assignments that still need doing *sigh* I'm on holidays so updates should be reasnobly frequent. Thankyou very much to __VeryVerySpecialAgentMarriiaa, Invierna, tegan-loves-ncis-TIVA, Pink Wolf Princess and __cheether for reviewing._

_Emily_

Tony was sitting at his desk, grinning widely and looking over a hand written list when Ziva walked into the Squad room. She looked at him suspiciously, smiled and went to her own desk.

"Morning" Ziva greeted, sitting down and nodding her head in McGee's direction.

"Yes, he has been far too cheerful all morning" McGee replied knowingly without even looking up from his computer.

Ziva narrowed her eyes and reached over to grab the case file, but she couldn't pick it up. She tugged at it but it was stuck to her desk.

Tony giggled, stretching and putting his hands behind his head and feet on his desk. He was there for the show.

Ziva yanked the file off her desk and looked through it; it was blank and _someone _had sticky taped it to her desk.

She tugged and the file next to it, same deal, but this time, her calendar had been stapled to it. Ziva let out a hiss as she ripped the sticky tape away. She looked over her desk her stapler was stuck to her desk, her pens all sticky taped together in a line and her notepad was stapled to a stack of paper. Ziva picked up her phone and sure enough, there was sticky tape over the receiver.

"Tony!" she hissed

"Something wrong?"

"Everything is sticky taped or stapled to my desk, everything! My files are blank; I'm wondering how the hell you had time to do this and Gibbs will..."

"Fix it DiNozzo" Gibbs cautioned, walking into the Squad room.

"Doing it now boss" DiNozzo answered as he pulled the real files from his desk and went over to Ziva's "Anything New boss?"

"Why do you think I'm here, DiNozzo?"

"Yes, um, Boss." McGee stuttered, his hands typing furiously on his keyboard.

"Hurry up!" Tony called as Ziva stood up and went over to Gibbs, leaving Tony to fix her desk.

"Ok, we still have no lead on the drugs, but it's fishy because you would think a user would take slightly more care in hiding his use. If Seaman Ludington had walked onto the base, he would have been detected in minutes. Abby's running the print she found on the knife, but it delayed because she had to run some virus software on her computer first so it might be a while."

"DiNozzo, what have you got?"

"67 staples, three rolls of sticky tape and a packet of blank paper" Tony sighed.

"DiNozzo!"

"Well, nothing boss, I'm still looking for a vaccine for stupidity."

Gibbs promptly went over and wacked him across the head, staring at him with eyebrows raised.

"No security footage of the Park, neighbouring streets were useless. Boss defends his unfriendly-ness, as "tough love" saying our marine needed to toughen up if he wanted to make it. He was going to offer Seaman Ludington a promotion just before he died but couldn't get a hold of him. Someone may have found out and been jealous, who knows."

"We're meant to know DiNozzo, get back to work." Gibbs Ordered

"I think I will, No, I won't." Tony looked up at Gibbs's expression "Of course I will, what was I thinking."

"Have we got _anything _else?" Gibbs asked loudly.

"Gibbs!" Abby's cheerful voice greeted "Yes, I have a pair of shoes with their laces tied together that I just can't get apart." She complained, turning towards Tony "I don't know when you had time to do that Tony, but that's not why I'm here, Not at all."

"Get to the point Abby"

"I got a match on the knife, it's a Marine from Seaman Ludington's unit, and his name is Rick Coleman" Abby smiled proudly

"Ziva with me, gear up, we're bringing him in"

"What about me, I would like to come, no I wouldn't" Tony said, lifting his hands up from his side and pointing at one of his thumbs, "I think it's getting bigger, no it isn't"

"Enough DiNozzo, fix up Ziva's desk, fix Abby's shoes and I expect an entire history of Rick Coleman by the time I get back" Gibbs barked, walking off towards the elevator with Ziva in tow.

Abby looked at him angrily, but then broke out smiling. Tony grinned widely back and pointed towards Ziva.

"Hey Ziva! Your shoelaces are done up!" He called as they got to the elevator. Ziva looked down at her shoes, tripped and barged straight into Gibbs in front of her.

"Get to work DiNozzo!"

"Sure Boss"

The basics: in the Squad Room

Sticky tape and staple things together on someone's desk.

Search for a Vaccine for Stupidity, tell everyone of your progress

Contradict yourself, no wait, don't

Call "Your shoelaces are done up" or something similar like "Your wheels are turning!" if they're on a bike.

Another fun one to do is...

Barge into a conversation, apologise and do it again an few minutes later


	12. Chapter 12

_Unfortunately, there are only a couple more chapters to go.__ Thanks to Invierna, VeryVerySpecialAgentMarriiaa, Pink Wolf Princess and Lilliana1981 for reviewing and everyone on you for reading._

_Emily_

"Officer David" DiNozzo greeted coldly as he walked into the observation room.

"Tony" Ziva laughed half heartedly back.

"I take it you were the one who changed my curser on my computer and my desktop to a Picture of that Justin Bieber guy?"

"Only because it could you were the only who could have changed my ringtone to one of his songs." Ziva countered

Tony smiled gleefully "You knew he sung that?"

"Of course not, I googled it."

"Sure, sure. Is this Rick Coleman?" Tony asked, changing the subject

"Yes"

Tony poked her, "Do you know where Gibbs is?" he asked, poking her some more

"No"

"Do you want to know where he is?" Tony asked her, poking her again

"Maybe"

"Oh come on!" Tony complained "Yes, No, Maybe? What's your next answer going to be? Quite probably on account of the trybophysical wavelength macro kinetic extrapolation?"

"Sorry?" Ziva exclaimed, turning to look at Tony for the first time since he entered the room.

"Never mind..." DiNozzo told her, there was a pause before he started to sing "Oh baby, baby, baby ohhh! Like baby, baby, baby nooo!"

"Seriously Tony?" Ziva interrupted "Who is this Bieber anyway?"

Tony hushed her as Gibbs burst into the room in front of them with a coffee in hand.

"You know, Seaman Matthew Ludington?" Gibbs asked sternly

"Not really, sure he's in my unit, but we weren't friends"

Ziva smiled, "He changed his tenses"

"What do you mean he's _in_ your unit, but you _weren't_ friends?" Gibbs asked, also picking it up

"Sorry, I'm just a little nervous, this room..." Coleman gulped

"Feeling Guilty?" Gibbs replied, staring at Coleman intensely

"Guilty about what?"

"Yesterday, you killed Seaman Matthew Ludington! You stabbed him to death in a children's park, you murdered a fellow officer!"

"Got him" Ziva announced confidently, smiling and taking a step back "His fists balled up and he looked down and to the left"

"...a sure sign of a liar" Tony finished for her.

"Well I'm glad you have been listening to at least one thing I've said over these years"

"I didn't kill Ludington!" Coleman cried

"If you didn't kill him, who do you propose did?"

"Propose!" Tony exclaimed, slapping himself on the forehead "Of course, I forgot, how could I. Will you marry me Ziva?"

"Shut. Up." Ziva complained, her eyes fixed on Coleman's.

"I wouldn't kill my friend" Coleman said

"You said you hardly knew the man, and you don't seem surprised that he's dead." Gibbs replied harshly

"Ok, Ok. I stabbed him. I heard Aaron talking about a plan Ludington had to expose me, he was going to reveal it to everyone just so he could get a promotion, and I had to stop him."

"Reveal what?" Gibbs pressed

"I deal drugs"

Silence

"Unexpected turn in events" Ziva remarked, her face unreadable

"Yep, easy. Ludington got his drugs from Coleman then decides to turn him in. Coleman hears from Wright and Bingo. Ziva, Marry me"

"You ever give Ludington Cocaine?" Gibbs asked him

'No. I deal marijuana, not cocaine" Coleman replied, leaning back when he saw Gibbs's expression "It's the truth, I swear!"

"Did anyone else know about what you were doing?"

"Aaron Wright knew..." Coleman trailed off with his head in his hands.

Gibbs nodded to Ziva and Tony through the Glass and Left the integration room

"Before Gibbs comes in, Will you marry me?" Tony asked for the umpteenth time.

"Marrying is a bad idea, Ziva" Gibbs intervened "I expect this behaviour to end with this case, DiNozzo. It's getting out of hand. I want Aaron Wright in here now" He finished, walking out.

"Do you agree with Gibbs?" Tony asked, a smile creeping onto his face

"This is getting out of hand, I do" Ziva agreed

"YES!"

The basics: in Interegation

Change someone's desktop, screensaver, curser or even mouse speed.

Poke someone continuously ( not Facebook poking, though that can be annoying)

Say long confusing words

Ask "Do you want to Marry me" contiuessly, trick them into saying I do

Another fun one to do is...

Be the writer of this story and continuously ask your friends if they have any ideas.


	13. Chapter 13

I am really sorry for the delay, thanks as usual to _Invierna, VeryVerySpecialAgentMarriiaa, Pink Wolf Princess and Cheether for reviewing. Last chapter is in the works. Thanks a heap to all of you_

_Emily_

"Guess What?"

"I'm not going to listen to it Tony, not going to complain, I can't be bothered. Gibbs did ask me to kill you for him, I think he was joking, I can never tell. Although he did tell me to give Ducky a challenge with the autopsy..."

There was a pause before Tony spoke again "Guess what?" there was no response "Guess what?"

"This Aaron Wright guy is cropping up too often, he has something to hide." Ziva mused ignoring Tony and his pestering "We have the murderer, but there's just something else"

"Guess What? No, hang on. Why are you driving, more importantly, Why am I letting you drive?" DiNozzo asked. Ziva turned around to look at him and smiled, not looking at the road. "For heavens sake! Eyes on the road!" Tony shrieked

"I have great..."

"Great peripheral vision, I know" Tony sighed, leaning back in his chair. There was a pause before he got out his cell phones and had a mock conversation with himself. "You always said I had one for each ear" He grinned

Ziva smiled back and slammed on the brakes. Tony went flying forward, stopped by his seatbelt just inches from hitting his head.

"Sorry, squirrel" Ziva said innocently pointing out at the road and speeding back up again.

"What the hell? There wasn't a squirrel; there could have been someone behind us!" Tony panicked but Ziva just smiled. After a while, he smiled back and wound down the window

"Hurry, Hurry! The Babies Coming! The Babies coming!" he shouted watching as people on the footpath turned around. Tony turned back to Ziva, smiled, and lent back in his seat once again.

"So I was thinking, we need to organise a date, location, time that sort of thing, as well as Transportation, flowers suits and Dresses and stuff like that"

"What are you talking about Tony?"

"Wedding, you agreed to marry me remember" DiNozzo announced proudly

Ziva took a big breath in to calm herself down; Tony reached over and pressed the cars horn.

"Vent Ziva, it's good for you"

If I _vent _it will be days before they find your body"

"Touchy" Tony said, bursting out in laughter, pointing at Ziva's face and laughing contiuessly.

"Do you have a crazed death wish?" Ziva sighed

Tony stopped laughing "I don't know. Do I have a crazed death wish?"

Ziva ignored him,"Fifth street on the left from the roundabout yes?"

"Could it not have been the sixth or the fourth, or even the fifth on the right? Who knows, who knows" Tony answered mystically

"Could you do something for me Tony?"

"Depends"

"Shut... up!" Ziva exclaimed

Tony smiled and turned away, looking out the window.

"That's two..." Ziva murmured

"No, no, no. That was a right, not a left. Or maybe that's an illusion, maybe left is right and right is left. Who can tell, who can tell?"

"Shut up Tony, that's three..."

"No, no. Five, turn off here!"

"That was the third street" Ziva said

"That really was the fifth street, Ziva, turn around" Tony complained, he turned to see Ziva's stare "Okay!" He resigned and soon after she turned off into the correct street. Ziva pulled up and was about to get out when DiNozzo grabbed her arm, stopping her.

"I found this of the windscreen before we left" he shrugged it say's "Sorry I smashed into your car. I have gone to the hospital to get my injuries checked out. Call me and we can work out a cash settlement. 0458 442211"

"Are you serious?"

"Sure" Tony replied. Ziva got out and looked over the car, trying to find the damage while Tony giggled to himself still in his seat. Her face dropped and she looked through the car window, her eyes piercing Tony "Your letter is up!" Ziva hissed

"Its number, Ziva" Tony replied laughing, his voice now muffled because of the Car door. Ziva stalked off but stopped when she realised that Tony was not following her.

"I'm not getting out myself, it's an insult to my royal blood, I am your Lord and Master, Bow down to me and open the door Minion!"

"Get your ass over here Tony"

"Do it Ziva" Tony smiled with his face pressed up against the glass "We're engaged now"

"Are not!" she scoffed, beginning to walk towards the house again

"Are Too. You do realise we have lost the element of surprise don't you, Gibbs won't be happy"

Ziva groaned.

The basics: in a Car

Say guess what contiuessly

Use two mobile phones to have a conversation with yourself

Slam on the breaks and claim there was a squirrel

Wind down the window of your car and shout "Hurry, Hurry! The Babies Coming! The Babies coming!" even if you're a guy

Arrange an imaginary wedding

Laugh and point at something

Repeat and answer questions mystically (See Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy's, the man in the hut who rules the universe)

When someone is counting, distract them with the wrong numbers

Leave a note on someone's windshield reporting a collision and watch them search for damage.

Correct people's mistakes when they are mad.

Pretend you are high and mighty and order people around, only respond if they call you "Our great Lord and Master

Another fun one to do is...

Think out loud


	14. Chapter 14

Tony was standing behind the stair case with his phone to his ear. They had solved the case, but before he went over to finalise it, there was one more thing he had to do first.

"Hello, Is David there" Tony asked urgently

"It's pronounced Da-VEED"

"No, Is David there, I have to speak to David" Tony said again

"I think you have the wrong number..." The voice on the other end of the line replied

"Sorry, I'll let you get back to whatever you were doing then"

"Tony!" Ziva hissed from behind him, Tony turned around smiling, both of them still having their phones in their hands.

"I'd better get back to work" Tony smiled. Ziva pressed his back into the wall staring at him fiercely before letting him walk off.

Ziva followed him back to his desk, "McGee, don't you find it annoying that Tony can just waste his time, he can do whatever he wants, playing up and he still manages to get everything done in a click of time. It's amazing he gets anything done at all" She finished, sitting down at her desk

"It's Nick" McGee corrected her

"Who?"

"In the nick of time" Tony told Ziva not looking up at her.

"What does a nick have to do with time? Your language is very confusing"

"Maybe you should get yourself a better dictionary or a thesaurus or..." Tony was cut off.

"A Dinosaur!" Ziva exclaimed

"No, it's a book"

"What's a dinosaur got to do with a book?"

"Oh yeah!" Tony said "Cause even its great vocabulary couldn't stop the thesaurus from extinction, annihilation, eradication, extermination and, or even obliteration" He joked

"Sorry?"

"Never mind" McGee sighed, sick of the bickering

"Ziva, One day you will accept that you did indeed agree to marry me and one day you'll accept that the feeling you get when you hear my name isn't hatred or loathing, it's..."

"Annoyance" Ziva said

"Good, that means I've done my job, but I've got something for you Ziva, and you to McNerd" Tony said, reaching into the filing cabinet behind his desk. Tony pulled out two large pieces of cardboard, when he turned them around to show the two of them, Ziva and McGee gasped.

"I got your picture from Abby Ziva, flattering isn't it?" Tony said, handy the cardboard cut out of Ziva to her, who was staring at it with mouth open.

"You should be overjoyed McGee, yours looks much better than hers, the cut out sums you up completely" Tony smiled; handing McGee's cut-out over as well. "I expect these to be displayed for the rest of the week."

"Where is Gibbs to stop this madness?" McGee asked, looking at the piece of cardboard.

"That's all you're getting McGeek. Now Ziva, I got you a little engagement present"

"What! What did I miss?" McGee asked furiously.

"Nothing, Tony is deluded into thinking that I agreed to marry him" Ziva sighed

McGee raised his eyebrows, "Now he_ will_ be unbearable..."

Tony hushed them; "I got you a goldfish, the little guys called 'Sushi' " he smiled

"Can I have him for dinner, DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked, walking into the conversation, coffee in hand.

"No way, look at him, he's so cute! But Ziva, I got you a ring"

"Don't you ever give up?"

"Well its nothing much..." Tony replied, taking out a small box out of his pocket and opening it, showing it to everyone

"What is that?"

"Take a look" Tony said, chucking it over.

"This is just a bit of balloon and some metal!"Ziva exclaimed, throwing it in the bin

"Oi don't knock it! I spent a couple of minutes making that!"

"Now get back to work" Gibbs ordered

"Almost everything is wrapped up Boss. You were obviously there when Aaron Wright confessed to planting the drugs. He heard that Ludington was getting a promotion and knew of Coleman's hobby, decided to kill two birds with one stone and frame Ludington for drugs, therefore getting the promotion himself and wiping out any competition. Wright didn't do his research, Coleman miss -over-hears Wright gloating and decides that etcetera, etcetera."

"Well" Tony started "We definitely went the extra mile, that's 1.6 kilometres, to finish this case. We combed every inch, that's 2.5 centimetres, of evidence to solve it and I think we all did very well, give yourselves a pat on the back, in accordance with the prophecy"

"Has he been like this all day?" Jenny asked Gibbs as she walked over

Tony nodded his head, "In accordance with the prophecy"

"Yes" Gibbs replied, taking a sip from his coffee

Jenny raised her eyebrows but gave up on a longer response "Special Agent Gibbs, can I talk to you in my office before you leave?"

"Where do you reckon their off to?" Tony whispered as soon as they were gone

"To the director's office?" McGee suggested, tony gave him 'that look'

"The white rabbit is running late, giant turtles live for ages; evolution is about survival of the fittest."

"What are you talking about Tony?" Ziva asked

"The grey African elephant is the largest mouse in the southern hemisphere and comes in six different shades of pink"

"I'm leaving" Ziva declared "The case is closed, it's late and I frankly can't stand you anymore Tony"

"Bye Tony, you better listen to Gibbs" McGee said, following her out.

Tony was almost the only one left in the Squad room. Tony pulled the bowl with Sushi the fish closed to him and put his feet up on the desk, his hands behind his head and relaxed, watching the fish swim slowly around the bowl. Gibbs wanted him to stop his quest for irritation, which was probably a good idea, what with the serious injuries that can be sustained from blows to the head.

Tony remembered a case that they had worked on not too long ago. They had used McGee, Thom E. Gemcity, to get into the one club. Tony had told himself that he had to write a book and Gibbs had told him he would have to read one first. But what if his point still stood, what if Tony could write a book about the past few days and annoyance and irritation. It would be as annoying as everyone found Deep Six. No, not a book, just a story, he would call it,

Anthony DiNozzo's Guide to

Being Annoying

The basics: in the Squad room

Prank call

Make carboard cutouts of your friends with funny photos

Buy them a fish (this belive it or not is why I have a fish)

Persist with the idea of an imaginary wedding

Convert Idioms from metric to imperial or imperial to metric

Say random, unrelated gibberish

Write a story with your friends in it.

Some more fun ones to do include...

Like... speak um... kinda like this, and um...

Talk in different voices, accents

Speak in text lan

Page yourself over intercom

Explain what you should and shouldn't do on the moon

Ask the same person the same question on the hour every hour

Think out loud

Arange a group of people to start danceing, singing, to fall of their chair or even sneeze at the same time.

Wear a cape that says 'Magnificent one'

End.

_! last chapter, thanks to everyone who reviewed...__ Fictionnare, DS2010 and davb82, 1363797, Darlin24, Invierna, VeryVerySpecialAgentMarriiaa, Evanjalin64,Pink Wolf Princess, Lilliana1981, tegan-loves-ncis-TIVA, __WildBerrySmoothii , __TomBoyGal and Cheether, if I forgot you I am really sorry. Thanks a heap to everyone for reading this story, almost 2,000 of you. So, whats next? Ziva Davids guide to Ninja-ness, Gibbs's guide to communicating without words, Abby's Guide to Happiness? Who am I kidding, I have to study. Thanks again_

_Emily_


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